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  • Shelly

Quarantine, and the Case of the Missing Bra

Last Sunday I was planning my week. I set up 3 appointments for myself on the other side of the state with growers and 2 appointments for my colleagues in Chesaning. I bought Laugh Fest Tickets. I did Pi-Yo(it’s an exercise thing-not a hallucinogenic, as my friend mistook it

for earlier today). I was so excited to meet up with some friends and see MARIA BAMFORD!!

And some people were talking about coronavirus. And I’m thinking ‘Hey we’ll all be okayyyyy everyone just needs to chill.’ I’m packing my pre-made smoothies and vitamins and water and getting on the road. I’m listening to the Indigo Girls and it is sunny out and I’m having a wonderful drive.

First meeting no big deal. There was educational material in Spanish on the wall about cannabis law and CBD product samples around. Great vibe here. Ricardo wants it to be a community center. People can meet their immigration lawyers here, attend a yoga class, drop by the CBD lounge on their way from here to there. He has a record player and I put on KC and the Sunshine band. Then his 20 year old son does a little classical violin concert in the middle of the room and the acoustics in the space are so good and it was just wonderful.


I hadn’t really been on social media or listening to the radio but by the time I got back to meet my friend that I was staying with it seemed the shit had hit the fan. I checked my email and facebook and realized:

*all the Michigan schools are cancelled-online classes only

*my group trip to Greece in May has been cancelled

*the 3 huge Cannabis networking events that were scheduled next week were cancelled

*my gym is closed for at least 3 weeks

*my church is going to live stream services instead of having a live gathering

*every company I have ever interacted with has sent me a Coronavirus update

*Hash Bash has been cancelled

*LAUGH FEST IS CANCELLED!!! Boooooo.

BUT my meeting is on for tomorrow and there is a grand opening of Meds Café later and that is still on.


Me and Kristen choose to have fun and not panic. She has a photoshoot today and that goes well. We play with her big ole doodle dog Fred. Her husband and son are keeping their plans to go fishing Saturday and Sunday in the cold. And basically because of our circumstances our only real experience of this pandemic is if we tune in to social media or the news and listen to everyone freaking out. In ACTUAL real life, because we are here in a small town and I am already a hermit by nature, nothing seems amiss……until Saturday, when I realize…

MY BRA IS MISSING!!!


It is the navy blue lacy bralette. I had it on all day Friday and it was STILL ON when we got back from the Moose lodge late last night and stayed up watching episodes of ‘My Lottery Dream Home’. I had it on until I said ‘Guys I’m whipped’, and headed to bed. And the bedroom I am staying in is only 6 ft away and I change into a little sleep dress and sleep. I had an interesting dream about selling houses that exist within other houses, and according to the ‘dream moods dictionary’ I have consulted my whole life, ‘To see a house in your dream represents your own soul and self.’ I only communicate this detail in hopes that one of you will connect it to my dilemma in some way and help me solve this mystery. I wake up thinking that since I’m going to be staying at my friend’s house an extra day and don’t have to get on the road so early, maybe I can do some yoga. I realize that I didn’t bring a sports bra but that that blue bralette will work so I get motivated to get up and put it on. And then I can’t find it. I am staying in a smallish room and we haven’t left this house since last night of

course. I went to bed at midnight and woke up randomly around 5am and after tossing and turning for a while I got up, used the bathroom, drank some water, and was able to fall back asleep until almost 10am. (Another detail communicated hoping it helps later.)

I go through my little black travel bag. I pull out the jeans and the black pants and the 2 shirts and the socks and I shake them all. I move my computer bag around and look under it and in it. My bra is nowhere. It is strange but I am handling it. But really where could it be? This is silly. I decide I probably just need to wake up so I can think. After I drink my smoothie and some coffee and splash some water on my face surely my bra will just show up in plain sight and I’ll do the yoga and really start my day.


Kristen says, ‘Are you going to do yoga?’ and I say ‘Yes but I can’t find my bra.’

And she says ‘What do you mean? Where could it be?’

EXACTLY!

And she comes into the room and we look in the sheets and on the floor and she is saying ‘Would you have taken it off in the bathroom?’ Well even if I had it would still BE there. It wouldn’t have LEFT THE BATHROOM on its own accord. This bralette is cute but not sentient.

Would it have ended up in the washing machine somehow? Do people black out and do loads of laundry at their friends’ houses while sleepwalking? Is that a thing maybe? I haven’t heard of it but I know the world is full of freaks. This makes sense in my frustrated state of mind so I look in the washer and dryer.

I grab her husband’s boxer briefs and a couple of towels and socks and shake them around.

No bra.

Garbage can? Wait that is ridiculous but I’ll just check.

Fridge? It’s unlikely but I’d feel so stupid if I didn’t check and someone ELSE found it in there next to that Coors Light. I don’t wanna be that girl whose bra is in the fridge next to the beer.

Kristen asks if maybe it was in my pocket when I walked out to my car a bit ago and maybe it fell out in the road.


Well I’ll check, but I need to ask around later to see how many people carry around bras in their pockets and if so, how long that has been going on. Is it a spare? Or are a bunch of people leaving topless in a hurry? That seems like something I need to know about.

Bra not in in room. Bra not in bag or under bed. Not in bathroom. Not tangled up in the dryer or dropped or in the driveway. Bra not in garbage or fridge.

And I can’t believe I went to this dark place but I even suspected Fred the best dog. I asked Kristen if it was possible that maybe Fred just buried it somewhere.

No. No way. Freddie is the goodest boy and that behavior would be so out of character. There are TENS OF people who would stand as a witness that Fred is no bra thief. Probably hundreds if he was famous but he is kind of a small town dog.

Of course he isn’t. What was I even thinking??! But that is exactly what confusion and strange things beyond our control can do to us. The world gets topsy turvy and a normally gentle hearted lady accuses the goodest boy of theft. I recognized this and turned to prayer.


‘Oh God. Thank you for this lovely place you have given me to land during these uncertain times. Thank you for my meetings yesterday and for the opening of the weed stores and for all of the amazing healthcare workers being on the front lines battling that virus that everyone is scared of. Help me be of service today. Help me radiate gratitude and joy today. And also, Loving Source, WHERE IS MY BRA? Just give me a sign. Creator of all things, you see it isn’t about ‘the bralette’ so much as me worried that I am losing my mind. You see I’m sneaking right in to middle age here lately and sometimes I think THESE are MY ‘wonder years’ and sometimes I feel like a broken up crazy old lady and not being able to find this bra isn’t helping. And of course if I NEVER DO find the bra then OF COURSE I will accept the wisdom of the constant of change……or surrendering to the universe…..and will do my best to flow through the world as a river of peace…..or Is the universe telling me that I’m too old to wear bralettes?!

I would accept this too of course WISE SOURCE but it would be a super bummer, because bralettes are just so much more comfortable and I know you want all good things for me. Amen. And for real where did it go?’


We just looked again. Kristen’s hypothesis was that maybe when she was in the middle of cleaning up the clothes from the photo shoot and looking for yoga pants for me to borrow that she scooped it up. I say ‘But how would my bra have gotten INTO your room? I was never braless in your room.” She looked anyway because she is a good and true friend. No bra.


Dear Reader……I would be so happy to tell you that as I sit and write this a few hours have passed and we are laughing and toasting each other because the bra was there the whole time! We can’t believe we didn’t just see it and it is all so funny now!……but I am not a liar and the bralette remains at large.

Our hearts are heavy. Our minds are mush. I am braletteless. I going out to dinner sans bralette because quarantine lockdown won’t keep us from great Mexican food and also fuck it. While I was writing this Kristen was working on her logo for her new brand. I was sitting next to her while she was editing and the name of the font showed up, but I didn’t realize it was the name of the font. I thought it was that sign I had been looking for all day…..


‘Glacial Indifference’.


Real funny UNIVERSE!

To be continued……….

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